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Brown, babe, you so smart and good to me

Updated: Dec 29, 2021

So enlighten me as to why I am allowed to go to a 5,000-person club fair where I'm amongst a Brown sea of almost entirely strangers, but now I'm not allowed to sit in the Dub after practice and have dinner with 4 of my teammates. 4 people with whom I spend 8 hours a day, 7 days a week, but the second I'm under Brown administration's roof with my mask slightly slipping below my nostrils, I'm such a threat to the University's greater political standing that they have to shove a cardboard to-go box down our throats and make us go eat lunch in the same place I rest my head at night.


It is truly terrifying that there are 82 asymptomatic, healthy, 20-year old college students under your roof. Brown, I am so sorry you have to deal with 82 out of 6,800 kids feeling healthy and [likely] falsely positive to a disease they are vaccinated against. It must be a huge stress that the worst these kids will experience is a common cold and likely bounce back in about 10 days. I can't imagine the emotional burden that this is putting on the University, so I understand why you have to extract the marinating-in-the-Ratty, Saturday-night-shenanigans, and everything social that makes Brown Brown in the interim as 82 people get over their asymptomatic seasonal allergies.


But don't worry, I will still keep coming to your 5,000-person University-organized events in my ra-ra Bleed Brown! mask so you can snap a corona-cautious picture for your Instagram feed. And when I get the flu but test negative for corona, I'll keep coming to class cause I don't have that one excuse to miss class these days. And I'll stay on meal plan to get a box of cold scrambled eggs to go eat in my bed alone cause that's everything everyone raves about when coming to college—cold cardboard eggs in bed.


And I'll ramp up my testing to twice a week even though I had covid and got vaccinated like you told me I had to to have a normal college experience so that I can eventually get a false positive and sit in my dorm for 10 days of my college life being healthy and non-contagious and miss 10 days of practice and Ivy league education because Brown, babe, you so smart and good to me. 😘


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